one final time ….

This time a year ago I was pregnant for a fifth time. It wasn’t meant to be and the miscarriage (the only one that has ever had a reason – chromosomal abnormality) happened whilst Al was away in Tucson. I spent a week off work recovering whilst watching the Winter Olympics and repainting the living room. It was of course to be my fourth and final miscarriage as come April the decision to stop trying was finally made and after I’d sorted my head and heart out during my week in Sydney in May I honestly thought everything was going to be just fine with me, the hubby and B.

Not so. A year on and I’m sat here typing away four months into our separation still waiting to gain some closure on everything as he hasn’t quite moved out yet and wondering how on earth B is going to take the news when we finally tell her. But what can you do – you can’t make someone love you or want to be with you if they don’t want to.

And whilst I could go into detail about how I feel, I am going to refrain but have decided that, and with a slightly heavy heart, to sign off Mupsy for one final time as it is no longer “me, the hubby & B”.

I will remain glad, however, that I was able to have captured so many memories and events, both happy and sad, from our lives together that otherwise would have been long forgotten, and look forward to the day when I shall read back through the past six and a bit years with huge fondness and most importantly, a big smile of what once was.

Winding down …

It’s Christmas! Yay. B’s as excited as ever despite me making her cry (read that as her making herself cry) as I (jokingly) said that I through Father Christmas lived in Africa and not the North Pole and so maybe hadn’t received her “order” for Christmas. Thankfully I managed to pull her round and she happily went off to bed after writing a wonderful letter to FC apologising for my oversight and telling him that she totally believes in him still especially as we saw him fly over earlier (in his international space station) during which time she yelled out to him deafening my dad in the process. Mum also got him to light a volcano firework in the garden as a sign to let him know that she’s here and would really like a Kindle……

Wonderful red wine, swiss cheese, salami, gherkins, candles and sparklers on the Christmas tree and homemade mince pies aside though it’s a weird one especially as it’s the first Christmas of it just being me and B. What’s great is that she is fine with it and everything is normal but for me it’s been a sadder time especially wrapping the presents on my own and feeling totally unchristmassy, not having anyone to snuggle up to on the sofa and just now being faced with the breaking of so many habits that after 12ish years you get so used to. It’s fine though as I feel fine and as time goes on I feel finer and stronger about moving forward. Tomorrow will probably be the real test but I have an early morning run planned (not sure where to but hopefully will get something as close to 5 km as possible) and no doubt B will be bouncing off the walls after FC visits and after lunch / Queen’s speech she gets to open the majority of the presents that are currently sitting all shiny under the Christmas tree. It’ll be great though as everyone always is once you’re inside your bubble.

Today is going to be a long one ….

It’s 05.54 in the morning, B woke me at 04.30 with her streaming nose and cough so as a one off allowed her to jump in with me. One hour and twenty four minutes, a discussion about which days I’m having to work over Christmas (again) and much fidgeting later (by her), she’s now fast asleep and I’m contemplating a shower and going into work early as there ain’t going to be any further sleep for my tired eyes.

And the funniest thing? I wouldn’t have it any other way (although next time she’s staying in her bed).

Happy last day at work before Christmas to me……. it’s going to be a long one.

The “P” word

So I got a call from B’s school today thinking that the call would be do to with the nice cut that B got from bashing her head on the metal steps at her swimming lesson last night but no, the call was to inform me that she had said “something inappropriate” in the playground to a year 6 boy. Allegedly she had said, I quote her teacher “I want to eat your penis”. This was then supposedly downgraded to “I want to eat your willy” after B had been asked by the playground supervisor who had been alerted to the incident because the boy had told his friends what he thought B had said and they were now all laughing at her. Obviously I was mortified and slightly shocked to think that B had said this at all or that it could have possibly had any sexual connotation to it which I feel I was slightly implied to me but had to admit to her teacher that I was completely baffled by it as for one I didn’t think that B even knew the word “penis” (if she did, however, it woudn’t bother me as that is the correct anatomical name for it) but also that I didn’t have the foggiest from where she would have got such an idea especially in the sexual way. I did say that I’d have a chat with B once she came home as clearly it wasn’t the best thing for her to have said but also she had been rather upset by the whole situation.

Picked her up from school and she showed no signs of being upset until I asked her if anything had happended today that had made her sad. Instantly the tears started and when I asked her what she’d actually said she said it had been “I want to eat your peanuts”. Penis vs peanuts – wtf!! The verbal difference is completely clear no? Supposedly “peanuts” is what the boys in her class refer to their willies as some of whom went onto draw pictures of willies during class that afternoon (which were thrown in the bin by the teacher). So it seems a complete and utter misunderstanding and misinterpretation of the situation completely by both the supervisor and her teacher which does disappoint me somewhat. As for me and B though, we talked and agreed that it’s probably best not to talk to the older boys or have any other conversations about peanuts or willies in the future.

Who said parenting was easy? At least for now her innocence remains intact. Not sure about my nerves though……

July

Ok, so it’s July and it’s been 6 months since I last posted. B is now 7 and still rather wonderful and I just run a life time best 5 km this morning in 25 mins 28 secs. Felt like I was gong to throw up for the last 1km but stubborn old me kept pushing and I was duly rewarded. Am still thinking about doing a Triathlon next year now as we’re now going to be a 3 unit forever but before then need to plan a rear extension and also my “big” birthday holiday to Hawaii (which is going rather nicely at present). Only a week and a half of yera 2 to go for B before the summer holidays during which hopefully we’ll see and a bit of and have a bit of fun.

Hopefully she’ll have also put some knickers on by then as she’s been commando for the last 2 hours and I think rather enjoying it. Somethings just never change …..

2014!

Wow, it’s 2014 already. Not a great start either as I came down with virus type thing yesterday which restricted me to bed feeling like death until about 15 minutes ago and caused me to throw up and then promptly faint last night leaving poor Al in a right old state wondering what the hell to do with all the sick and bedding! He did great though apart from almost fainting himself after bending over the bath too long trying to wash out our (new!) duvet.

2013 I suppose was an ok year but with another miscarriage under our belts in October and the loss of Aud back in April it had its moments. The Beebster goes from strength to strength though getting all of her spellings correct since starting Year 2 (all credit to Al), her swimming, reading and generall all round super girl. We’re so very lucky to have her and don’t we just know it.

No point in saying that I hope to scribble a few more posts this year after failing so abysmally last year but you never know…..

Probably need to change the pic at some point too.

How time flies

Crickey, it’s November and I haven’t jotted anything thing down for months! Time seems to be flying by with a mix of happy and sad times but generally happy. All’s good with B now that she’s in Year 2, less two teeth but showing no signs of slowing down or not becoming a wonderfully intelligent little girl. It still makes me smile when she’s so full of manners and exclaims bless you whenever one of us sneezes. On the sad front we recently suffered another miscarriage which was a bit of an arse but what can you do – either cry and let it destroy you or take it on the head and move on. I chose to move on and am doing ok although obviously gutted that we’re no closer to having a much wanted sibling for B.

Fireworks two nights on the trot though, a new craze of making marshmallows for me – strawberry & lime, vanilla, and raspberry and lemon ones in the bag already – so I’m pondering what flavour to make next.

Suppose I’ll have to start thinking about Christmas soon …… better finish this assessment for my MA distance learning module though first.

hot, hot, hot

It is hot at the moment, really hot but I can’t really complain seeing as I’ve spent almost the first 7 months of this year in jeans so it’s quite nice to be in dresses and skirts and getting a bit of airflow to the bits that need it. B only has three more days of Year 1 left which is really hard to believe but I think she’s ready for our holiday along with me & Al. Since I last posted, she’s now lost 2 teeth (front bottom), received a wonderful end of year school report and is really growing into a lovely girl. The comment on her school report sums her up perfectly :

“Bryony has made excellent progress this year in all areas of the curriculum and she is working well above the standard expected at this time of year in reading and some areas of mathematics. Bryony is an enthusiastic member of the class, who always contributes to class discussions. She has a lively and enquiring mind and she shows a real pasison for learning. Bryony’s behaviour is very good and she is always keen to help adults and her peers. She has a very sensible and postive attitude to school life and she can be trusted to work independently.
Bryony enjoys sharing her ideas and opinions with the rest of the class and she is able to articulate her thoughts clearly. She listens attentively to other children and adults when they are speaking and she works very well as part of a team. Bryony has an extremely caring nature and she always shows consideration for the feelings of others.
Well done for a fanastic year Bryony! You are a credit to the school and you have been a pleasure to teach”.

How proud am I?!?!? Top girly indeed.

wobbly

B now has the wobbliest tooth in the world and it’s making me quite queasy and nervous in equal quantities. She seems quite unfazed and it can now bend out at a right angle and thinks it’s fun to be able to get her tongue underneath it. Less wobbly is B on a bike as it looks likes she finally mastered the art of riding a bicycle! Admittedly Al hasn’t been out iwth her to practice because the weather’s been quite rubbish to say the least this year, however, she was riding confidently up and down the road earlier much to mine and Al’s pride.

Feeling quite stuffed at the moment after noodles with honey beef and the trifles that B and I made this morning so I don’t think I’ll be moving about very fast for the next couple of hours at least.

guilt

This half term has been a real guilt trip for me as far as B being off school and me not being able to take time off work. Despite working the Bank Holiday on Monday so I could be at home with her yesterday we’re having to let her have one day as the kids club at the local gym tomorrow. Unfortunately it’s without her mate M but there’s no way around it. She’s now sad because she doesn’t want to go and it’s now really upset me because up until now I have managed my guilt being a full-time working mum and try so hard to make it all work. What can I do? Feel really crap about it and fear the summer holidays are going to be even worse..